I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
