When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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