I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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