plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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