I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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