broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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