I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
