So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
