I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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