He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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