LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
