i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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