1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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