I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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