I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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