apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
