what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
