so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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