i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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