Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
