Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
