We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Randomize
