The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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