You're my little dorito
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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