I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
