Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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