I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
