I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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