No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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