he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
