I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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