you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
