the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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