He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
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