Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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