Hey man sorry I got all grabby
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
