i think i have herpe
just one?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
