by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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