So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
