Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
