My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
