i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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