You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'm just crazy horny about you
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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