It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Randomize
