Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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