All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
