I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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