I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
