This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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