Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
