Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
