Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
